Churchill Anecdote #1

When Winston Churchill won a seat in Parliament at age 26, he grew a mustache to make himself look older.

“Winston,” said a female opponent, “I approve of neither your politics nor your mustache.”

“Madam,” he replied, “you are not likely to come in contact with either.”

Leggo My Soul-Corroding Ennui

If you work in a spirit-crushing cubicle farm and can’t remember the innocent joys of childhood, here’s a compromise: Get a cube farm playset, including office furniture, a meaningless job title generator (“Domestic Engineering Associate”), and downloadable decorations.

If that’s not highbrow enough for you, theory.org has Lego versions of social theorists Judith Butler, Anthony Giddens, Angela McRobbie, and Michel Foucault. Post-structuralism sold separately.

Rimshot

A guy walks into a store and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a guitar pick and some strings.”

The clerk looks at him uncomprehendingly. “Pardon?”

“I’d like a guitar pick, please, and some strings.”

The clerk thinks for a moment and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”

“Yeah! How did you know?”

“This is a travel agency.”

Churchill Anecdote #7

In 1931, George Bernard Shaw wired Winston Churchill: “Am reserving two tickets for you on opening night of my new play. Come bring a friend — if you have one.”

Churchill wired back: “Impossible for me to attend first performance. Would like to attend second night — if there is one.”

Fanciful Units of Measure

Little-used measurements:

  • 1.2096 seconds ≅ 1 microfortnight
  • π seconds ≅ 1 nanocentury
  • 3.085 centimeters ≅ 1 attoparsec
  • 2 mm square ≅ 1 nanoacre
  • 2.263348517438173216473 millimeters ≅ 1 potrzebie (the thickness of MAD magazine issue 23)
  • 20 terabytes ≅ 1 Library of Congress

After Jurassic Park came out, some paleontologists started measuring Tyrannosaurus rex food consumption in lawyers. If the average attorney weighs 150 pounds, they figure, a warm-blooded T. rex would eat 292 lawyers a year. A cold-blooded one would eat 73. I guess that means they were cold-blooded; there’s certainly no shortage of lawyers today.