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Humor
Unquote
“The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out-grossing my films.” — Paul Newman
PWEEN!
Sound effects created by MAD cartoonist Don Martin:
- CHONK KRAKLE GLUK: man eating glass
- FFFFOOOOOOOO: Frankenstein exhaling
- FIDIP-FIDIP: ant boxing a cow’s udder
- FLIFFLAFF: Dracula opening his cape
- FLOON: atomic blast at Ground Zero
- FOOWOOM: flamethrower scorching condemned man
- FWAP: construction worker slapping sign out of a hippie’s hand
- FWEE: hat flying off the head of a man reacting to a horror comic
- FWUMP: werewolf being caught by a dogcatcher
- GARUNK GASPLOOSH GARUNK GASPLOOSH: Indian pumping water out of cactus
- GEEEN: Plasticman giving a guy on the 32nd floor the finger
- KLANG: water skier’s head hitting armored truck
- KLOONK KA-DOONK: blind man and seeing eye dog walking into pole
- KOONG: man getting hit in head with wheelbarrow full of cement
- KWONK: Mary Worth getting punched out for not minding her own business
- NOT-A-SOUND: Indian running through woods
- ZWEECH: The Phantom closing the zipper on his purple bodysuit
PITTWEEN SPLATCH THORK BLOOF THLIK GLITCH GLUTCH PITTWOON PLAF PLOOF SPLITCH THUK THAP PLOOP is the sound of a bullet ricocheting off a ceiling, through six heads, off a wall, then through six more heads.
Image Problem
Actual names of politicians in the state of Meghalaya, India:
- Adolf Lu Hitler Marak
- Lenin R. Marak
- Stalin L. Nangmin
- Frankenstein W. Momin
- Tony Curtis Lyngdoh
Hitler Marak told the Hindustan Times: “Maybe my parents liked the name and hence christened me Hitler. … I am happy with my name, although I don’t have any dictatorial tendencies.”
Rimshot
Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am.”
How Fat Is She?
Your momma is so fat …
- her ass has its own congressman.
- when she dances she makes the band skip.
- her belt size is “equator.”
- she was baptized in tartar sauce.
- her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- it took five UFOs to abduct her.
- she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- when she steps on the scales it says NEXT AXLE.
- she eats Wheat Thicks.
- her blood type is Ragu.
- she whistles bass.
“Dedicated to the Art of Mocking Public Works”
What does this mean? Who knows? Here are some guesses, from the readers at Swanksigns:
- The happy, smiling sun will kill your puppy.
- Don’t let your puppy drive in the sunshine.
- This combo may turn dog into looming castle.
- Do not let your dog drive into the sun, or they will be killed with green fire.
- Attention! Dogs will drive to the beach on sunny days.
- Car-driving dogs make the sun happy and then they die.
- Warning: Car-driving dogs in sunlight may cause harmful power plant exposure.
The Python
A python I should not advise,
It needs a doctor for its eyes,
And has the measles yearly.
However, if you feel inclined
To get one (to improve your mind,
And not from fashion merely),
Allow no music near its cage;
And when it flies into a rage
Chastise it most severely.
I had an Aunt in Yucatan
Who bought a Python from a man
And kept it for a pet.
She died because she never knew
These simple little rules and few;–
The snake is living yet.
— Hilaire Belloc
Three Laws of Comedy
John Cleese’s “three laws of comedy”:
- No puns.
- No puns.
- No puns.
“I find it rather easy to portray a businessman,” he once said. “Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.”
“Be All My Socks Remembered”
An excerpt from Fox in Socks, Prince of Denmark:
ACT 4, Scene 2
[Enter FOX and KNOX]
FOX: Try to say this my lord Knox, prithee –
Through three cheese trees, or not through three cheese trees,
That is the question –
whether ’tis nobler In the trees for three free fleas to fly,
Or to take a freezy breeze that blew
While these fleas flew and by blowing
Freeze these three trees. To breeze, to freeze –
No more; and by a breeze to blow
we freeze the trees and the thousand natural trees
That cheese is heir to – ’tis a cheese
Devoutly to be freezed.
To breeze, to freeze – To freeze, perchance to sneeze.
Ay, there’s the rub,
For in that freeze of cheese what sneezes may come,
When fleas flew off this mortal coil,
Must give us pause.
KNOX: Adieu my lord,
This is a speech of fire that fain would blaze
But that this folly doubts it.
[Exeunt]
From the Dr. Seuss Parody Page.