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Humor
A Limerick
There once was a man who said, “Damn!
It is borne in upon me I am
An engine that moves
In predestinate grooves:
I’m not even a bus, I’m a tram.”
— M.E. Hare (1886-1967)
Not Raising Hogs
March 20, 1963
The Honorable Ed Foreman
House of Representatives
Congressional District #16
Washington 25, D.C.
Dear Sir:
My friend over in Terebone Parish received a $1,000 check from the government this year for not raising hogs. So I am going into the not-raising hogs business next year.
What I want to know is, in your opinion, what is the best kind of farm not to raise hogs on and the best kind of hogs not to raise? I would prefer not to raise Razorbacks, but if that is not a good breed not to raise, I will just as gladly not raise any Berkshires or Durocs.
The hardest work in this business is going to be in keeping an inventory on how many hogs I haven’t raised.
My friend is very joyful about the future of his business. He has been raising hogs for more than 20 years and the best he ever made was $400, until this year, when he got $1,000 for not raising hogs.
If I can get $1,000 for not raising 50 hogs, then I will get $2,000 for not raising 100 hogs. I plan to operate on a small scale at first, holding myself down to 4,000 hogs which means that I will have $80,000 coming from the government.
Now, another thing: these hogs I will not raise will not eat 100,000 bushels of corn. So will you pay me anything for not raising 100,000 bushels of corn to feed the hogs I am not raising?
I want to get started as soon as possible as this seems to be a good time of year for not raising hogs.
One more thing, can I raise 10 or 12 hogs on the side while I am in the not-raising-hog business just enough to get a few sides of bacon to eat?
Very truly yours,
J.B. Lee, Jr.
Potential Hog Raiser
Benchley in Venice
STREETS FULL OF WATER. PLEASE ADVISE.
— Robert Benchley, telegram from Venice
Shaggy Dog Story
A man is looking for a new pet, so he goes to the pet store and asks the owner if he has a dog. The owner shows him a few dogs, but the man isn’t interested. Suddenly the pet store owner has a thought.
“I know just the dog for you,” he says, and he goes to the last kennel in the row. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the man. “I should take him to show my wife! I’ll buy him.”
The man buys the dog and takes him home to his wife.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says his wife. “You should take it to show the minister!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the minister.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the minister. “You should take it to show the mayor!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the mayor.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the mayor. “You should take it to show the governor-general!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the governor-general.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
“Why, yes, that is the shaggiest dog I ever saw!” says the governor-general. “You should take it to show the queen!”
“You’re right,” says the man, and he takes the dog to see the queen.
“I bought a dog today,” he says. “Isn’t that the shaggiest dog you ever saw?”
The queen says, “No.”
The Yak
As a friend to the children commend me the Yak,
You will find it exactly the thing:
It will carry and fetch, you can ride on its back,
Or lead it about with a string.
The Tartar who dwells on the plains of Thibet
(A desolate region of snow)
Has for centuries made it a nursery pet,
And surely the Tartar should know!
Then tell your papa where the Yak can be got,
And if he is awfully rich
He will buy you the creature — or else he will not.
(I cannot be positive which.)
— Hilaire Belloc
Extreme Ironing
“Extreme Ironing is an outdoor activity that combines the danger and excitement of an ‘extreme’ sport with the satisfaction of a well-pressed shirt.”
The sport reportedly started in Phil Shaw’s backyard in Leicester, England, but his promotional tour quickly attracted followers in Australia, Austria, and Germany, and the 2002 world championship drew 80 teams from 10 countries. Following the 2004 Summer Olympics, British rowing champion Sir Steve Redgrave backed high-stakes ironing to become an Olympic sport.
“Ironists” have performed atop Mount Kilimanjaro, 100 meters underwater off the Egyptian coast, during the London marathon, and in a David-Blaine-style box 20 meters above Christmas shoppers in Leicester. And like any noble calling, this one has inspired others, including downhill vacuuming, inner-city clothes drying, and “apocalypse dishwashing.” Helen Keller wrote, “Life is either a great adventure or nothing.”
Let There Be Light
Obscure light-bulb jokes:
Q: How many existentialists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Two: One to screw it in and one to observe how the light bulb itself symbolizes a single incandescent beacon of subjective reality in a netherworld of endless absurdity reaching out toward a maudlin cosmos of nothingness.
Q: How many Welsh mothers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: “Don’t worry dearie, I’ll just sit here in the dark, alone.”
Q: How many Marxists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None: The light bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.
Q: How many Greek Orthodox priests does it take to change a light bulb?
A: What do you mean, “change”!?
Q: How many Spaniards does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Juan.
Q: How many Zen masters does it take to change a light bulb?
A: A tree in a golden forest.
Q: How many postmodernists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: In a Derridaist reading, wherein light is a social construct, there is a dialectic between Darkness as a reality and reality as a mode.
Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: Fish.
R.I.P.
Epitaphs:
Joseph Palmer
Persecuted for
Wearing a Beard.
— Leominster, Mass., 1873
HE CALLED
BILL SMITH
A LIAR.
— Cripple Creek, Colo., c. 1875
DOROTHY CECIL
Unmarried as yet
— Wimbledon, England, c. 1900
Anna Wallace
The children of Israel wanted bread,
And the Lord he sent them manna,
Old Clerk Wallace wanted a wife,
And the Devil he sent him Anna.
— Ribbesford, England, c. 1770
Here lies my wife,
Here lies she,
Hallelujah!
Hallelujee!
— Ulverston, England, c. 1750
Jared Bates
Sacred to the Memory of Mr.
Jared Bates who Died Aug. the 6th
1800. His Widow aged 24 who mourns
as one who can be comforted lives
at 7 Elm Street this village
and possesses every qualification
for a good wife.
— Lincoln, Maine, 1800
“A Chicken Is a Noble Beast”
William Topaz McGonagall is renowned as the worst poet in the English language. Sample:
Beautiful Railway Bridge of the Silv’ry Tay!
Alas! I am very sorry to say
That ninety lives have been taken away
On the last Sabbath day of 1879,
Which will be remember’d for a very long time.
He didn’t even get the facts right here — 75 died.
In the opening to his Poetic Gems, McGonagall wrote, “The most startling incident in my life was the time I discovered myself to be a poet.” Millions agreed. Stephen Pile, in The Book of Heroic Failures, calls him “so giftedly bad he backed unwittingly into genius”; his temperance speeches were wildly popular with “poet-baiters” in Dundee, who pelted him with eggs and vegetables, and he was allowed to play Macbeth only if he paid in advance.
When Tennyson died, McGonagall visited Balmoral to ask if he might become poet laureate. He was told the queen was not at home.