Humor
Nimrod, Minnesota
Unfortunate place names:
- Accident, Maryland
- Big Ugly Wilderness Area, West Virginia
- Difficult, Tennessee
- Effort, Pennsylvania
- Foulness, Essex, England
- Hell For Certain, Kentucky
- Hole in the Ground, Oregon
- Nothing, Arizona
- Pity Me, County Durham, England
- Toadsuck, Texas
Niemyje-Zabki, Poland, means “He is not cleaning his teeth.”
Luddite by Degrees
Douglas Adams’ “rules that describe our reactions to technologies”:
- Anything that is in the world when you’re born is normal and ordinary and is just a natural part of the way the world works.
- Anything that’s invented between when you’re 15 and 35 is new and exciting and revolutionary and you can probably get a career in it.
- Anything invented after you’re 35 is against the natural order of things.
Rimshot
After years of work, some programmers unveil a new supercomputer. They say it knows everything.
A skeptical man asks the computer, “Where is my father?”
The computer thinks, then says, “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”
The man laughs. “See? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for 20 years.”
“No,” the computer says. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for 20 years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout.”
Dead or Alive
Make your own wanted poster at glassgiant.com.
Unquote
“The embarrassing thing is that the salad dressing is out-grossing my films.” — Paul Newman
PWEEN!
Sound effects created by MAD cartoonist Don Martin:
- CHONK KRAKLE GLUK: man eating glass
- FFFFOOOOOOOO: Frankenstein exhaling
- FIDIP-FIDIP: ant boxing a cow’s udder
- FLIFFLAFF: Dracula opening his cape
- FLOON: atomic blast at Ground Zero
- FOOWOOM: flamethrower scorching condemned man
- FWAP: construction worker slapping sign out of a hippie’s hand
- FWEE: hat flying off the head of a man reacting to a horror comic
- FWUMP: werewolf being caught by a dogcatcher
- GARUNK GASPLOOSH GARUNK GASPLOOSH: Indian pumping water out of cactus
- GEEEN: Plasticman giving a guy on the 32nd floor the finger
- KLANG: water skier’s head hitting armored truck
- KLOONK KA-DOONK: blind man and seeing eye dog walking into pole
- KOONG: man getting hit in head with wheelbarrow full of cement
- KWONK: Mary Worth getting punched out for not minding her own business
- NOT-A-SOUND: Indian running through woods
- ZWEECH: The Phantom closing the zipper on his purple bodysuit
PITTWEEN SPLATCH THORK BLOOF THLIK GLITCH GLUTCH PITTWOON PLAF PLOOF SPLITCH THUK THAP PLOOP is the sound of a bullet ricocheting off a ceiling, through six heads, off a wall, then through six more heads.
Image Problem
Actual names of politicians in the state of Meghalaya, India:
- Adolf Lu Hitler Marak
- Lenin R. Marak
- Stalin L. Nangmin
- Frankenstein W. Momin
- Tony Curtis Lyngdoh
Hitler Marak told the Hindustan Times: “Maybe my parents liked the name and hence christened me Hitler. … I am happy with my name, although I don’t have any dictatorial tendencies.”
Rimshot
Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am.”
How Fat Is She?
Your momma is so fat …
- her ass has its own congressman.
- when she dances she makes the band skip.
- her belt size is “equator.”
- she was baptized in tartar sauce.
- her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- it took five UFOs to abduct her.
- she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- when she steps on the scales it says NEXT AXLE.
- she eats Wheat Thicks.
- her blood type is Ragu.
- she whistles bass.