Contact Sheet takes the drudgery out of ransom notes.
Humor
Thanks
What’s brown and sticky?
A stick.
Churchill Anecdote #1
When Winston Churchill won a seat in Parliament at age 26, he grew a mustache to make himself look older.
“Winston,” said a female opponent, “I approve of neither your politics nor your mustache.”
“Madam,” he replied, “you are not likely to come in contact with either.”
Thank You Very Much
A Buddhist walks up to a hot dog vendor and says, “Make me one with everything.”
Leggo My Soul-Corroding Ennui
If you work in a spirit-crushing cubicle farm and can’t remember the innocent joys of childhood, here’s a compromise: Get a cube farm playset, including office furniture, a meaningless job title generator (“Domestic Engineering Associate”), and downloadable decorations.
If that’s not highbrow enough for you, theory.org has Lego versions of social theorists Judith Butler, Anthony Giddens, Angela McRobbie, and Michel Foucault. Post-structuralism sold separately.
Pushbutton Counseling
The Dr. Phil Random Quote Generator has a simple-minded Texas platitude for every occasion:
- “You don’t need stain-resistant pants to join the circus.”
- “You don’t need a rope to learn about proper dental hygiene.”
- “You don’t need help to throw up in Tijuana.”
Truest observation: “You don’t need tap dancing lessons to hate my guts.”
Fractious
The Your Mom! Joke Directory now has a section for math geeks:
Your mom is so stupid she tried to use substitution to find the definite integral of f(x)=x2 over the interval 0
You might want to bring a baseball bat, just in case.
Rimshot
A guy walks into a store and says, “Excuse me, I’d like to buy a guitar pick and some strings.”
The clerk looks at him uncomprehendingly. “Pardon?”
“I’d like a guitar pick, please, and some strings.”
The clerk thinks for a moment and says, “You’re a drummer, aren’t you?”
“Yeah! How did you know?”
“This is a travel agency.”
Churchill Anecdote #7
In 1931, George Bernard Shaw wired Winston Churchill: “Am reserving two tickets for you on opening night of my new play. Come bring a friend — if you have one.”
Churchill wired back: “Impossible for me to attend first performance. Would like to attend second night — if there is one.”
Gone And Forgotten
Gone And Forgotten honors great moments in bad comics.