As down the street he took his stroll,
He cursed, for all he is a saint.
He saw a sign atop a pole,
As down the street he took a stroll,
And climbed it up (near-sighted soul),
So he could read–and read “FRESH PAINT,” …
As down the street he took a stroll,
He cursed, for all he is a saint.
— Wallace Rice
An Irishman, being ask’d if he understood French? Reply’d, Yes, Joy, I understand French perfectly well, provided it’s spoken in Irish.
— The Jester’s Magazine, February 1766
Dorothy Parker named her pet canary Onan, “because he spills his seed upon the ground.”
A marble-cutter, inscribing the words,–‘Lord, she was thine’ upon a tombstone, found that he had not figured his spaces correctly and he reached the end of the stone one letter short. The epitaph therefore read:
‘Lord, she was thin.’
— Frederic William Unger, Epitaphs, 1904
There was an old lady from Slough
Who developed a terrible cough.
She drank half a pint
Of warm honey and mint,
But, sadly, she didn’t pull through.
(Thanks, Rikki.)
‘As I was going over the bridge the other day,’ said an Irishman, ‘I met Pat Hewins. “Hewins,” says I, “how are you?”
“Pretty well, thank you, Donnelly,” says he.
“Donnelly,” says I, “that’s not my name.”
“Faith, then, no more is mine Hewins.”
‘So with that we looked at each other agin, an’ sure enough it was nayther of us.’
— Melville D. Landon, Wit and Humor of the Age, 1888
As Jekyll walk’d out in his gown and his wig,
He happen’d to tread on a very small pig:
“Pig of science,” he said, “or else I’m mistaken,
For surely thou art an abridgment of Bacon.”
— Anonymous, collected in I.J. Reeve, The Wild Garland; or, Curiosities of Poetry, 1866
A humourous Countryman having bought a Barn in Partnership with a Neighbour of his, neglected to make the least Use of it, whilst the other had plentifully stored his Part with Corn and Hay. In a little Time the latter came to him, and conscientiously expostulated with him about laying out his Money so fruitlessly. Pray Neighbour, says he, ne’er trouble your Head; you may do what you will with your Part of the Barn, but I will set mine on Fire.
— The Jester’s Magazine, September 1766
“When shooting elephants in Africa, I found the tusks very difficult to remove, but in Alabama the Tuscaloosa.” — Groucho Marx
‘Twas potter, and the little brown
Did simon and schuster in the shaw;
All mosby were the ballantines,
And the womraths mcgraw.
“Beware Jovanovich, my son!
The knopfs that crown, the platts that munk!
Beware the doubleday, and shun
The grolier wagnallfunk!”
He took his putnam sword in hand,
Long time the harcourt brace he sought;
So rested he by the crowell tree
And stood awhile in thought.
And as in harper thought he stood,
Jovanovich, with eyes of flame,
Came houghton mifflin through the wood
And bowkered as it came!
Dodd mead! Dodd mead! And from his steed
His dutton sword went kennicatt!
He left it dead, and with its head
He went quadrangling back.
“And hast thou slain Jovanovich?
Come to my arms, my bantam boy!
Oh, stein and day! Giroux! McKay!”
He scribnered in his joy.
‘Twas potter, and the little brown
Did simon and schuster in the shaw;
All mosby were the ballantines,
And the womraths mcgraw.
— Anonymous
