What say you? The man who does not believe in the existence of the gods is unholy? And is not he who believes in such gods as the superstitious believe in a partner to opinions far more unholy? Why, for my part, I should prefer that men should say about me that I have never been born at all, and there is no Plutarch, rather than that they should say ‘Plutarch is an inconstant fickle person, quick-tempered, vindictive over little accidents, pained at trifles. If you invite others to dinner and leave him out, or if you haven’t the time and don’t go to call on him, or fail to speak to him when you see him, he will set his teeth into your body and bite it through, or he will get hold of your little child and beat him to death, or he will turn the beast that he owns into your crops and spoil your harvest.’
Religion
“Scripture Cake”
Contributed by Mrs. M.L. Dow to a cookbook compiled by the Ladies of Trinity Church, Claremont, N.H., 1899:
4 1/2 cups 1st Kings 4:22
1 1/2 cups Judges 5:25
2 cups Jeremiah 6:20
2 cups 1st Samuel 30:12
2 cups Nahum 3:12
1 cup Numbers 17:8
1/2 cup Judges 4:19
2 tablespoons of 1st Samuel 14:25
1 pinch of Leviticus 2:13
2 teaspoons of Amos 4:5
6 teaspoons Jeremiah 17:11
The first line calls for 4 1/2 cups of flour, because 1 Kings 4:22 reads “And Solomon’s provision for one day was thirty measures of fine flour, and threescore measures of meal.” In the same way, the rest refer respectively to butter, sugar, raisins, figs, almonds, milk, honey, salt, leaven, and eggs. No baking instructions are given.
Faith and Hope
In 1915, British evangelist Elizabeth Reid Cotton claimed that she had visited Charles Darwin shortly before his death in 1882, and that he’d told her he regretted advancing the theory of natural selection.
“I was a young man with unformed ideas,” he’d said. “I threw out queries, suggestions, wondering all the time over everything, and to my astonishment, the ideas took like wildfire. People made a religion of them.” He begged her to preach to a gathering at his summer house the following day. “If you take the meeting at three o’clock this window will be open, and you will know that I am joining in with the singing.”
It’s not impossible that Cotton did meet Darwin, but his family denied that he had ever recanted the theory. “Dear Sir,” he had written in an 1880 letter, “I am sorry to inform you that I do not believe in the Bible as a divine revelation, & therefore not in Jesus Christ as the son of God.”
Quinary
When Saint John of Nepomuk was martyred, legend claims that five stars appeared above his head. So in 1721, when Czech architect Jan Santini Aichel designed a church to commemorate the Bohemian clergyman, he gave it a fivefold symmetry: The circular nave is surrounded by five pairs of columns and five oval domes alternating with ogival apses. The primary altar (one of five) bears five angels supporting a heavenly sphere decorated with five stars.
It’s beautiful even from above — the surrounding ring cloister is divided into 10 sections by five chapels and five gates:
Supervision
“It often happens that I wake up at night and begin to think about the serious problems afflicting the world and I tell myself, I must talk to the pope about it. Then the next day when I wake up I remember that I am the pope.” — John XXIII
Counterpoint
In 1078, Saint Anselm of Canterbury presented a proof that God exists. We define God as a being than which no greater can be conceived. If God existed only in the mind, then we could conceive of a greater God, one who exists in both mind and reality. Therefore God cannot be merely imaginary — he must exist in reality.
Australian philosopher Douglas Gasking offered this response. The creation of the world is the worthiest achievement imaginable. Its merit is the product of its intrinsic quality and the ability of its creator. The greater the creator’s handicap, the more impressive the achievement. The most grievous handicap would be non-existence. An existent creator would be subordinate to one that does not exist. Therefore, if God is the greatest conceivable being, then he does not exist.
(William Grey, “Gasking’s Proof,” Analysis 60:4 [October 2000], 368-370.)
“Immune”
There is, in fact, nothing about religious opinions that entitles them to any more respect than other opinions get. On the contrary, they tend to be noticeably silly. If you doubt it, then ask any pious fellow of your acquaintance to put what he believes into the form of an affidavit, and see how it reads. … ‘I, John Doe, being duly sworn, do say that I believe that, at death, I shall turn into a vertebrate without substance, having neither weight, extent or mass, but with all the intellectual powers and bodily sensations of an ordinary mammal; … and that, for the high crime and misdemeanor of having kissed my sister-in-law behind the door, with evil intent, I shall be boiled in molten sulphur for one billion calendar years.’ Or, ‘I, Mary Roe, having the fear of Hell before me, do solemnly affirm and declare that I believe it was right, just, lawful and decent for the Lord God Jehovah, seeing certain little children of Beth-el laugh at Elisha’s bald head, to send a she-bear from the wood, and to instruct, incite, induce and command it to tear forty-two of them to pieces.’ Or, ‘I, the Right Rev. ————-, Bishop of ————, D.D., LL.D., do honestly, faithfully and on my honor as a man and a priest, declare that I believe that Jonah swallowed the whale,’ or vice versa, as the case may be.
— H.L. Mencken, American Mercury, March 1930
Providence
In 1805, New England missionary Jacob Cram proposed to evangelize among the Seneca of Western New York. Chief Red Jacket responded:
Brother, you say there is but one way to worship and serve the Great Spirit. If there is but one religion, why do you white people differ so much about it? Why are not all agreed, as you can all read the Book?
Brother, we do not understand these things. We are told that your religion was given to your forefathers and has been handed down from father to son. We also have a religion which was given to our forefathers and has been handed down to us, their children. We worship in that way. It teaches us to be thankful for all the favors we receive, to love each other, and to be united. We never quarrel about religion.
Brother, the Great Spirit has made us all, but He has made a great difference between His white and His red children. He has given us different complexions and different customs. To you He has given the arts. To these He has not opened our eyes. We know these things to be true. Since He has made so great a difference between us in other things, why may we not conclude that He has given us a different religion according to our understanding? The Great Spirit does right. He knows what is best for His children; we are satisfied.
“Brother, we do not wish to destroy your religion or take it from you. We only want to enjoy our own.”
Succinct
Travelling to England with his wife and daughter in the Norwegian freighter Halibut, which ran into rough seas, [Sir Robert Menzies] sent this cable to relatives:
At sea off Perth: Exodus X, 23.
In the Bible they found these words:
They saw not one another, neither rose any from his place for three days.
— Ray Robinson, ed., The Wit of Sir Robert Menzies, 1966
Lament
Letter to the Times, March 10, 1995:
Sir,
There doesn’t seem very much left for us agnostics not to believe in.
Yours faithfully,
Richard Crawford
(But Graham Chapman said, “There’s really nothing an agnostic can’t do if he really doesn’t know whether he believes in anything or not.”)