Rimshot

After years of work, some programmers unveil a new supercomputer. They say it knows everything.

A skeptical man asks the computer, “Where is my father?”

The computer thinks, then says, “Your father is fishing in Michigan.”

The man laughs. “See? I knew this was nonsense. My father has been dead for 20 years.”

“No,” the computer says. “Your mother’s husband has been dead for 20 years. Your father just landed a three-pound trout.”

PWEEN!

Sound effects created by MAD cartoonist Don Martin:

  • CHONK KRAKLE GLUK: man eating glass
  • FFFFOOOOOOOO: Frankenstein exhaling
  • FIDIP-FIDIP: ant boxing a cow’s udder
  • FLIFFLAFF: Dracula opening his cape
  • FLOON: atomic blast at Ground Zero
  • FOOWOOM: flamethrower scorching condemned man
  • FWAP: construction worker slapping sign out of a hippie’s hand
  • FWEE: hat flying off the head of a man reacting to a horror comic
  • FWUMP: werewolf being caught by a dogcatcher
  • GARUNK GASPLOOSH GARUNK GASPLOOSH: Indian pumping water out of cactus
  • GEEEN: Plasticman giving a guy on the 32nd floor the finger
  • KLANG: water skier’s head hitting armored truck
  • KLOONK KA-DOONK: blind man and seeing eye dog walking into pole
  • KOONG: man getting hit in head with wheelbarrow full of cement
  • KWONK: Mary Worth getting punched out for not minding her own business
  • NOT-A-SOUND: Indian running through woods
  • ZWEECH: The Phantom closing the zipper on his purple bodysuit

PITTWEEN SPLATCH THORK BLOOF THLIK GLITCH GLUTCH PITTWOON PLAF PLOOF SPLITCH THUK THAP PLOOP is the sound of a bullet ricocheting off a ceiling, through six heads, off a wall, then through six more heads.

Image Problem

Actual names of politicians in the state of Meghalaya, India:

  • Adolf Lu Hitler Marak
  • Lenin R. Marak
  • Stalin L. Nangmin
  • Frankenstein W. Momin
  • Tony Curtis Lyngdoh

Hitler Marak told the Hindustan Times: “Maybe my parents liked the name and hence christened me Hitler. … I am happy with my name, although I don’t have any dictatorial tendencies.”

How Fat Is She?

Your momma is so fat …

  • her ass has its own congressman.
  • when she dances she makes the band skip.
  • her belt size is “equator.”
  • she was baptized in tartar sauce.
  • her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
  • it took five UFOs to abduct her.
  • she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
  • when she steps on the scales it says NEXT AXLE.
  • she eats Wheat Thicks.
  • her blood type is Ragu.
  • she whistles bass.

“Dedicated to the Art of Mocking Public Works”

http://www.swanksigns.org/view.asp&ID=225

What does this mean? Who knows? Here are some guesses, from the readers at Swanksigns:

  • The happy, smiling sun will kill your puppy.
  • Don’t let your puppy drive in the sunshine.
  • This combo may turn dog into looming castle.
  • Do not let your dog drive into the sun, or they will be killed with green fire.
  • Attention! Dogs will drive to the beach on sunny days.
  • Car-driving dogs make the sun happy and then they die.
  • Warning: Car-driving dogs in sunlight may cause harmful power plant exposure.

The Python

http://sxc.hu/browse.phtml?f=view&id=302367

A python I should not advise,
It needs a doctor for its eyes,
And has the measles yearly.
However, if you feel inclined
To get one (to improve your mind,
And not from fashion merely),
Allow no music near its cage;
And when it flies into a rage
Chastise it most severely.
I had an Aunt in Yucatan
Who bought a Python from a man
And kept it for a pet.
She died because she never knew
These simple little rules and few;–
The snake is living yet.

— Hilaire Belloc

Three Laws of Comedy

John Cleese’s “three laws of comedy”:

  1. No puns.
  2. No puns.
  3. No puns.

“I find it rather easy to portray a businessman,” he once said. “Being bland, rather cruel and incompetent comes naturally to me.”