When the 18-year-old Ethel Barrymore informed her father that she was engaged, he wired:
CONGRATULATIONS LOVE FATHER
When she informed him she’d broken it off, he wrote:
CONGRATULATIONS LOVE FATHER
Society
Married Life
A Frenchman, who spoke very broken English, having some Words with his Wife, endeavour’d to call her Bitch, but could not recollect the Name. At last he thought he had done it, by saying, Begar, mine Dear, but you be one vile Dog’s Wife. Aye, that’s true enough, answer’d the Woman, the more is my Misfortune.
— The Jester’s Magazine, February 1766
Loud brayed an ass. Quoth Kate, ‘My dear,
(To spouse, with scornful carriage,)
One of your relatives I hear.’
‘Yes, love,’ said he, ‘by marriage.’
— I.J. Reeve, The Wild Garland; or, Curiosities of Poetry, 1866
Boss Mob
Senior job titles in the U.S. government, from among 49 compiled by Paul C. Light, public policy director for the Pew Charitable Trusts, for testimony before the Senate Finance Committee, Feb. 11, 1998:
- Deputy Secretary
- Deputy Administrator
- Associate Administrator
- Assistant Under Secretary
- Deputy Associate Deputy Secretary
- Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary
- Associate Deputy Assistant Secretary
- Principal Associate Deputy Secretary
- Deputy Chief of Staff to the Secretary
- Chief of Staff to the Deputy Secretary
- Chief of Staff to the Assistant Secretary
- Deputy Associate Deputy Administrator
- Chief of Staff to the Associate Administrator
- Principal Associate Deputy Under Secretary
- Associate Principal Deputy Assistant Secretary
- Chief of Staff to the Associate Assistant Secretary
- Principal Deputy to the Deputy Assistant Secretary
“At my last count in 1994, there were sixteen layers of supervisors between the President of the United States, who is the ultimate chief executive of the [IRS], and revenue agents far below. Most agents report to a district group manager who reports to a branch chief who reports to an assistant chief of their division who reports to the assistant district director who reports to the assistant regional commissioner who reports to the regional commissioner who reports to the chief of staff to a deputy assistant commissioner in Washington who reports to the deputy assistant commissioner who reports to the assistant commissioner who reports to the chief operating officer who reports to the deputy commissioner of the IRS who reports to the commissioner who reports to the Deputy Secretary of the Treasury who reports to the Secretary who finally reports to the president (assuming that the White House deputy chief of staff and chief of staff don’t get in the flow).”
The Dodge La Femme
Dodge introduced an alluring new option package in 1955: For $143, you could have the Custom Royal Lancer feminized, with rose paint, gold script, and a pink interior complete with rosebuds.
“The first car ever exclusively designed for the woman motorist” came with a rain cape, rain hat, and matching umbrella, plus a pink purse with a compact, lipstick, comb, and cigarette lighter. The marketing brochure read, “By Special Appointment to Her Majesty … the American Woman.”
It went nowhere. Fewer than 1,500 La Femmes were sold, and the model disappeared in 1957.
Bah!
For the past 25 years, PNC Bank has calculated an annual “Christmas price index,” adding up the total cost of all the gifts mentioned in “The Twelve Days of Christmas.” In 1984 the total was $12,623.10; by 2008 it had risen to $21,080.10.
This assumes that you’d hire the drummers, pipers, lords, ladies, and maids, rather than buying slaves or creating them in some kind of lab. And “Omitting the seven swans a-swimming may be a tempting way for a true love to hold the line on costs,” says the bank, “but one would be advised to proceed with caution.”
Also, the estimates above assume you’ll give 78 gifts total, but strictly speaking that’s not accurate — the song calls for one partridge on day one, a second on day two, etc. Add up all these multiples and you must give 364 gifts altogether, for a total cost of $86,608.51 — or $131,150.76 if you buy online.
Stop the World
Arguments against Galileo:
“Animals, which move, have limbs and muscles; the earth has no limbs or muscles, therefore it does not move.” — Scipio Chiaramonti, University of Pisa, 1633
“Buildings and the earth itself would fly off with such a rapid motion that men would have to be provided with claws like cats to enable them to hold fast to the earth’s surface.” — Libertus Fromundus, Anti-Aristarchus, 1631
“If we concede the motion of the earth, why is it that an arrow shot into the air falls back to the same spot, while the earth and all the things on it have in the meantime moved very rapidly toward the east? Who does not see that great confusion would result from this motion?” — Polacco, Anticopernicus Catholicus, 1644
More recent:
“[Astronomers give the rate of Earth’s rotation as 1,000 kilometers per hour.] An aircraft flying at this rate in the same direction as that of the rotation could not cover any ground at all. It would remain suspended in mid-air over the spot from which it took off, since both speeds are equal. There would, in addition, be no need to fly from one place to another situated on the same latitude. The aircraft could just rise and wait for the desired country to arrive in the ordinary course of the rotation, and then land; although it is difficult to see how any plane could manage to touch ground at all on an airfield which is slipping away at the rate of 1,000 kilometers per hour. It might certainly be useful to know what people who fly think of the rotation of the earth.” — Gabrielle Henriet, Heaven and Earth, 1957
See No Spin Zone.
Thanks Anyway
In 1776, Viennese schoolmaster Antonio Felkel factored every number up to 408,000. Few people bought the book, though, so the treasury recalled it and used the paper to make ammunition cartridges.
University of Prague professor J.P. Kulik spent 20 years extending the work to 100,000,000. He published it in six volumes in 1867.
Volume 2 has been lost.
White Heat
Ralph R. Maerz patented this snowball maker in 1989, to produce balls with an “aesthetically pleasing and aerodynamically sound round shape.”
It would have been a doomsday weapon in Edinburgh in 1838, when a snowball fight escalated into a full-scale riot:
On the 10th January some snowballing took place in front of the College, in which the students took part. The warfare between the students and the townspeople was renewed on the 11th, and became more serious. Several shop windows were broken, the shops were closed, and the street traffic suspended. The students, believing that the constables took the side of the mob against them, appeared on the 12th armed with sticks, to defend themselves against the constables’ batons. Then a regular riot took place, sticks and batons being freely used, and matters became so serious that the magistrates found it necessary to send to the Castle for a detachment of soldiers of the 79th Highlanders, which arrived and drew up across the College quadrangle, and peace was restored. [University Snowdrop, 1838]
This may be history’s only instance of military intervention in a snowball fight. Five students were tried; all were acquitted.
Music Appreciation
“Debussy’s music is the dreariest kind of rubbish. Does anybody for a moment doubt that Debussy would write such chaotic, meaningless, cacophonous, ungrammatical stuff, if he could invent a melody?” — New York Post, 1907
“It is probable that much, if not most, of Stravinsky’s music will enjoy brief existence.” — New York Sun, Jan. 16, 1937
“Tchaikovsky’s First Piano Concerto, like the first pancake, is a flop.” — Nicolai Soloviev, Novoye Vremya, St. Petersburg, Nov. 13, 1875
“Rigoletto is the weakest work of Verdi. It lacks melody.” — Gazette Musicale de Paris, May 22, 1853
“Sure-fire rubbish.” — New York Herald Tribune on Porgy and Bess, Oct. 11, 1935
Road Work
P.T. Barnum conceived a novel way to advertise his American Museum: He paid a man to place a brick at each of five New York intersections and to spend the day marching industriously from one to the next, exchanging bricks at each stop.
“What is the object of this?” inquired the man.
“No matter,” said Barnum. “All you need to know is that it brings you fifteen cents wages per hour. It is a bit of my fun, and to assist me properly you must seem to be as deaf as a post; wear a serious countenance; answer no questions; pay no attention to anyone; but attend faithfully to the work, and at the end of every hour, by St. Paul’s clock, show this ticket at the Museum door; enter, walking solemnly through every hall in the building; pass out, and resume your work.”
Within an hour the sidewalks were packed, and many spectators bought tickets so they could follow the mysterious man inside. “This was continued for several days — the curious people who followed the man into the Museum considerably more than paying his wages — till, finally, the policeman, to whom I had imparted my object, complained that the obstruction of the sidewalk by crowds had become so serious that I must call in my ‘brick man.'”
“This trivial incident excited considerable talk and amusement; it advertised me; and it materially advanced my purpose of making a lively corner near the Museum.”