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“An Untaught Highlander”

We don’t know much about Angus McDiarmid, except that he’s been called “the world’s worst author.” His 1815 book Striking and Picturesque Delineations of the Grand, Beautiful, Wonderful, and Interesting Scenery Around Loch-Earn is a bewildering mess of bad grammar and obscure language — apparently he composed it in his native Scottish Gaelic and then salted it with impressive words from an English dictionary, without much regard to their parts of speech:

The foresaid high Grampian mountains abounded with spasmodiac opening, or excavated parts, that if a loud cry made at accommodious distant, they would sounded the same in such miraculous manner, that one apt to conceive that each parts of those spasmodiac rocks imbibed the vociferation which is depressing gradually the sonorofic sound to the expiry thereof.

But the high point is the dedication, which William Shepard Walsh calls “as grovelling and abject as the worst example in the very worst periods of authorial servility”:

To the Right Honorable the Earl of Breadalbane. May it please your lordship, with overpowering sentiments of the most profound humility, I prostrate myself at your noble feet, while I offer, to your Lordship’s high consideration, those very feeble attempts to describe the indescribable and ineffable beauties of your Lordship’s delicious estate of Edinample. With tumid emotions of heart-distending pride, and with fervescent feelings of gratitude, I beg leave to acknowledge the honor I have to serve so noble a master, and the many advantages which I, in common with your Lordship’s other menials, enjoy from the exuberance of your princely liberality. That your Lordship may long shine with refulgent brilliancy in the exalted station to which Providence has raised you, and that your noble family, like a bright constellation, may diffuse a splendor and glory through the high sphere of their attraction, is the fervent prayer of your lordship’s most humble and most devoted servant, Angus McDiarmid.

The whole book is here.

| Literature

Alternades

Interleave the letters in LUG and ONE and you get LOUNGE. Similarly:

SOT + PUS = SPOUTS
SHOE + COLD = SCHOOLED
CANES + HILT = CHAINLETS
CLIPS + ALOE = CALLIOPES
FETES + LENS = FLEETNESS
TINILY + RENAL = TRIENNIALLY

And three words can be merged to produce a fourth:

DOT + ERE + CAD = DECORATED
LET + ARE + CAD = LACERATED
LET + IRE + BAD = LIBERATED
MET + ORE + DAD = MODERATED
SAT + ERE + PAD = SEPARATED
SIR + ILL + MAY = SIMILARLY
TUT + ALE + BAD = TABULATED

| Language

The Knobe Effect

The vice president of a company went to the chairman of the board and said, ‘We are thinking of starting a new program. It will help us increase profits, but it will also harm the environment.’ The chairman of the board answered, ‘I don’t care at all about harming the environment. I just want to make as much profit as I can. Let’s start the new program.’ They started the new program. Sure enough, the environment was harmed.

Did the chairman harm the environment intentionally? In a 2003 study, 82 percent of respondents said yes, he did. But now consider this:

The vice president of a company went to the chairman of the board and said, ‘We are thinking of starting a new program. It will help us increase profits, and it will also help the environment.’ The chairman of the board answered, ‘I don’t care at all about helping the environment. I just want to make as much profit as I can. Let’s start the new program.’ They started the new program. Sure enough, the environment was helped.

Did the chairman help the environment intentionally? Only 23 percent of respondents said yes.

What should we make of this? Yale philosopher Joshua Knobe says, “It seems very puzzling that all we changed was this one word, just changing the word harm to help, and yet we’re now having completely different judgments about whether what he did was intentional or unintentional. Yet it seems like it’s only the moral status of what he did that is changing. … Somehow the moral judgments people are making are affecting their intuitions about something like how the mind works.”

| Oddities

Reading Matter

In a certain library, no two books contain the same number of words, and the total number of books is greater than number of words in the largest book.

How many words does one of the books contain, and what is it about?

Click for Answer
| Puzzles

Fair Enough

In 1970, each political candidate in Oregon could specify a 12-word slogan to be printed under his name on the ballot.

Frank Hatch of Eugene, who was running as a Democrat for Congress, chose this:

“Anyone who thinks in 12-word slogans should not be on this ballot.”

| Society

Seafood Delivery

Sometime about the 22d of September 1810, Mr. Elisha Wall and his family, consisting of his wife and three grown children, besides several small ones, at his plantation, on Cypress Creek, about 12 miles from Coosawatchie-bridge, in South Carolina, saw passing over his yard, considerably below the height of the trees, on Sunday, directly after dinner, a prodigious quantity of narrow-headed cat-fish, of two sizes, the lesser quantity about two feet long, and the greater about one foot. The largest fish were as walls of defence, on either side of the small ones, about three yards in breadth, and three tiers deep — they were well arranged, in a small distance from each other, so as each to have room to use their fins and tails, without interfering with each other — they were nearly one hour moving slowly from east to west — they had all the motions of real living fish in their natural element, though there was neither cloud nor wind to support their movements. It is said that several thousands must have passed during the time they were viewed. Mr. Wall is an honest man, of truth, sobriety, and industry, whose word in any case, will not be disputed by those who know him — there were also at his house, at the time, five indifferent persons, who also saw this great phenomenon, and are willing, if necessary, to make oath to the fact herein stated.

— “American Papers,” quoted in Kirby’s Wonderful and Eccentric Museum, 1820

| Oddities

The Editorial Lash

http://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Declaration_independence.jpg

Thomas Jefferson writhed under the criticisms of the Continental Congress as it reviewed his draft of the Declaration of Independence. Seeing this, Benjamin Franklin took him aside. “I have made it a rule,” he said, “whenever in my power, to avoid becoming the draftsman of papers to be reviewed by a public body. I took my lesson from an incident which I will relate to you.

“When I was a journeyman printer, one of my companions, an apprenticed hatter, having served out his time, was about to open shop for himself. His first concern was to have a handsome signboard, with a proper inscription. He composed it in these words: John Thompson, Hatter, makes and sells hats for ready money, with a figure of a hat subjoined. But he thought he would submit it to his friends for their amendments.

“The first he showed it to thought the word hatter tautologous, because followed by the words makes hats, which showed he was a hatter. It was struck out. The next observed that the word makes might as well be omitted, because his customers would not care who made the hats; if good and to their mind they would buy, by whomsoever made. He struck it out. A third said he thought the words for ready money were useless, as it was not the custom of the place to sell on credit. Every one who purchased expected to pay. They were parted with, and the inscription now stood, John Thompson sells hats. ‘Sells hats?’ says his next friend; ‘why, nobody will expect you to give them away. What, then, is the use of that word?’ It was stricken out, and hats followed, the rather as there was one painted on the board.

“So his inscription was ultimately reduced to John Thompson, with the figure of a hat subjoined.”

| History · Literature

Black Humor

Last words of executed murderers:

  • George Appel (1928): “Well, folks, you’ll soon see a baked Appel.”
  • James W. Rodgers (1960): (asked for a last request) “Why, yes — a bulletproof vest.”
  • Frederick Wood (1963): “Gentlemen, you are about to see the effects of electricity upon Wood.”
  • James French (1966): “I have a terrific headline for you in the morning: ‘French Fries’.”
  • Jimmy Glass (1987): “I’d rather be fishing.”

In 1856, English murderer William Palmer stood on the gallows and asked, “Are you sure it’s safe?”

| Death