With Mark L. Winn’s shampooing apparatus, “a person may have his hair washed, brushed, showered with water, and, lastly, dried while retaining an easy and comfortable sitting position.” That would be impressive today, but Winn patented this in 1871. Essentially it consists of a watertight helmet in which the hair is washed and then rinsed with a detachable sprinkler, with the dirty water discharged through a pipe; there’s no need for a sink.

The drier is “heated by caloric introduced through pipes, or by a flame from a spirit-lamp.” I wonder whether he tested this …

From an 1891 Strand article on curious inventions:

• To combat seasickness, “The passenger’s chair is attached to a balloon, the chair being connected to the deck by a ball and socket joint; to keep the balloon from swaying too much, it is attached to a rod above.”
• A four-poster bed that can be converted into a bath. “The canopy above forms the vessel for the shower bath, the water being pumped up through a pipe in one of the four uprights.”
• Below, a military cloak that doubles as a close tent. “The cloak can be suspended by the hood, holes can be made in the lower edge of the cloak for the passage of pegs, and the cold may be kept out by means of the customary buttons and buttonholes.”

“On the first blush this sounds rather a good idea, and almost practicable, till the thing is looked into more closely. We then find that the cloak must either be very, very large for the wearer, or, on the other hand, the tent must be very, very small for the occupant. … We are not told what happens to the sleeves when used as a tent; perhaps one is stuffed with straw to keep out the cold, the other being used as a chimney or ventilator!”

Why spend money on cat food when there’s a more immediate solution? Leo Voelker’s 1979 invention simultaneously curbs the local sparrow population and keeps the local cats occupied.

The birds enter the housing at the top but can escape only through the mesh cage at the bottom, which serves as a kind of self-serve food dispenser for neighborhood cats.

“The cat feeder by its design is self-cleaning since the cat quickly learns to remove the sparrow from the cage.”

How do you make a collar for a creature that’s all neck?

Standard animal collars such as designed for dogs and cats as well as other legged animals are not designed for the body style of a snake because the snake has no external appendages. … The concertina motion of a snake coupled with an ability to alter the shape of its circumference enables it to move through and escape any known annular restraint such as a neck-style collar.

Donald Boys’ snake collar, patented in 2002, includes a “concertina movement neutralization device” that prevents these escapes so you can take your snake outdoors. “A reptile getting more sunlight will have a better skin condition than one kept in the dark.”

Brice Belisle’s 1997 patent application is admirably concise: “The invention relates to clothing for transporting and displaying small pets while worn by a person.”

The “pet display clothing” can accommodate mice, hamsters, gerbils, snakes, and “possibly even insects.” “Fluid wastes tend to gravitate to the pocket,” we note with some concern, but the whole contraption can be rinsed with a faucet.

So now you can visit your friends without leaving your pets — and without sacrificing style: “The vest could be provided with sleeves to form a coat or jacket and be of increased length to form an overcoat.”

In 1995 Nicole M. Dubus patented a fork with an electronic timer that indicates when it’s okay to take another bite.

“The present invention can assist people to be more aware of their eating habits and pace themselves between bites, thus slowing down their rate of consumption and helping them change their eating habits to more healthy and enjoyable ones.”

Thomas Jefferson wrote, “We never repent of having eaten too little.”

Take one of those small green frogs which are found in hedges, put it in a white glass bottle, the neck of which must be large enough to receive the little animal tout a fait a son aise. Previous to its being let down, put in the bottle some earth and water to the height of about four fingers breadth; and also a little wooden ladder that may reach from the bottom to the lower part of the neck. Let the bottle be properly stopped with a piece of parchment, pricked with a pin so as to admit the air. As long as the weather continues fair, the frog stands a-top of the ladder, but goes down into the water at the approach of rain. You must from time to time, that is, every week or fortnight, change the water. Many of those animals have been known to live three years without any food.

— The New Lady’s Magazine, April 1789

Paul Kinnier’s leaf-gathering trousers, patented in 2003, replace tiresome rakes and noisy blowers:

“The instant invention consists of modified pants or trousers that are fitted with a net between the leg stalls thereof so that leaf collecting and gathering can be accomplished by walking.”

Presumably they’d also be useful in catching cats.

In 1953 George F. Jorgenson invented a paddle with a breakaway handle, for use by overzealous disciplinarians.

“A primary object of this invention is to provide a paddle for use in disciplining a child, the paddle having means for preventing accidental injury to the child by striking too hard a blow.”

Ten years later, Ashley Pond did the same thing for angry golfers.