“Life … is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” — Douglas Adams
Quotations
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“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” — Groucho Marx
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“Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives’ mouths.” — Bertrand Russell
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“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.” — Oscar Wilde
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“It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” — Arthur C. Clarke
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“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Mark Twain
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“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway
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“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.” — Ken Olsen, president, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977
Take Your Pick
Frivolous political parties around the world and their campaign promises:
- Denmark’s Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements promised tailwinds on all cycle paths.
- Hungary’s Two-Tailed Dog Party promised eternal life, world peace, one work day per week, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, and low taxes.
- Sweden’s Donald Duck Party promised wider sidewalks and “free alcohol to the people.”
- England’s Death, Dungeons and Taxes Party promised the reintroduction of hanging, the annexation of France, and the reduction of the school leaving age to 9.
- America’s Guns and Dope Party would replace one-third of Congress with ostriches.
And Poland, Russia, Ukraine and Belarus all have Beer Lovers’ Parties.
“Politicians are the same all over,” said Nikita Khrushchev. “They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.”
“This Is Absurd!”
Uninspired last words:
- “Wait a minute …” — Pope Alexander VI
- “Am I dying, or is this my birthday?” — Nancy, Lady Astor, on seeing her family at her bedside
- “I live!” — Caligula, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers
- “Lady, you shot me!” — Sam Cooke, after being shot in a hotel room
- “That guy’s got to stop. … He’ll see us.” — James Dean, before a car accident
- “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” — Richard Feynman
- “I think I’m going to make it!” — murderer Richard Loeb, after being slashed 90 times with a razor
- “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” — Groucho Marx
- “I’m all right.” — H.G. Wells
On his deathbed Stan Laurel said, “I wish I were skiing.” His nurse said, “Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?” Laurel replied, “No, but I’d rather be skiing than doing what I’m doing.”
More here.