“Just because swans mate for life, I don’t think it’s that big a deal. First of all, if you’re a swan, you’re probably not going to find a swan that looks much better than the one you’ve got, so why not mate for life?” — Jack Handy

“All music is folk music. I ain’t never heard no horse sing a song.” — Louis Armstrong

“If A is success in life, then A equals x plus y plus z. Work is x; y is play; and z is keeping your mouth shut.” — Albert Einstein

“If at first you don’t succeed, try, try again. Then give up. No use being a damned fool about it.” — W.C. Fields

“Fancy being remembered around the world for the invention of a mouse!” — Walt Disney, during his last illness

“Everywhere I go I find a poet has been there before me.” — Sigmund Freud

“In keeping with Channel 40’s policy of bringing you the latest in blood and guts in living color, we bring you another first, an attempted suicide.” — Florida newscaster Christine Chubbuck, before shooting herself on live television, July 15, 1974

“I can’t listen to that much Wagner. I start getting the urge to conquer Poland.” — Woody Allen

“Had I been present at the Creation, I would have given some useful hints for the better ordering of the universe.” — Alfonso, king of Castile (1221-1284), on studying the Ptolemaic system