English history as reported by American schoolchildren in 1887, from Caroline Bigelow Le Row, English as She Is Taught: Genuine Answers to Examination Questions in Our Public Schools:

• “England was named by the Angels.”
• “The Celts were driven out of England into Whales.”
• “Julius Caesar invaded England 400 years B.C. The English condition was in a rude state.”
• “The Brittains were the Saxons who entered England in 1492 under Julius Caesar.”
• “The Britains conquered Julius Caesar and drove him ignominiously from his dominions.”
• “The Britons founded the Druids. They ust to hold religious services out of doors.”
• “The Druids were supposed to be Roman Catholicks.”
• “The Crusaders were fanatics who fought in tournaments.”
• “The Habeas Corpus Act said that a body whether alive or dead could be produced in court.”
• “Alfred the Great reigned 872 years. He was distinguished for letting some buckwheat cakes burn and the lady scolded him.”
• “Rufus was named William on account of his red hair. He established the curfew fire bell.”
• “William the Conqueror was the first of the Mormons.”
• “Edward the black Prince was famous for founding chivalry.”
• “Chivalry is a fight on horseback between two horsemen in an open plain.”
• “A night errant is a man who goes around in the night in search of adventures.”
• “The Middle Ages come in between antiquity and posterity.”
• “The War of the Roses was between the white and the red.”
• “Henry Eight was famous for being a great widower having lost several wives.”
• “Lady Jane Grey studied Greek and Latin and was beheaded after a few days.”
• “Queen Mary married the Dolphin.”
• “Elizabeth was called the Virgin queen because of her many accomplishments and she had a great many fine dresses.”
• “The unfortunate Charles First was executed and after he was beheaded he held it up exclaiming Behold the head of a trater!”
• “Cromwell was only a parallel with Bonaparte.”
• “Queen Victoria was the 4th son of George Third the Duke of Kent.”
• “John Bright is noted for an incurable disease.”
• “Lord James Gordon Bennett instigated the Gordon Riots.”

Fed up with overzealous censors during World War I, an anonymous soldier devised this preformatted “love letter” for use by British troops:

In the Field.

/ / 1917.

My (dear / dearest / darling),

I can’t write much to-day as I am very (overworked / busy / tired / lazy) and the (CORPS / G.O.C. / G.S.O.I. / A.A. & Q.M.G. / HUN) is exhibiting intense activity.

Things our way are going (quite well / much as usual / pas mal).

(We / The HUNS) put up a bit of a show (last night / yesterday) with (complete / tolerable / -out any) success.

(Our / The Russian / The Italian / The Montenegrin / The Monagasque / The United States / The Brazilian / The Panama / The Bolivian / The French / The Belgian / The Serbian / The Roumanian / The Portuguese / The Japanese / The Cuban / The Chinese) offensive appears to be doing well.

The German offensive is (obviously / apparently / we will hope) a complete failure.

I really begin to think the war will end (this year / next year / some time / never).

The (flies / rations / weather) (is / are) (vile / execrable / much the same).

The _______ is (cheery / weary / languid / sore distrest / at rest).

We are now living in a (chateau / ruined farm / hovel / dugout).

I am (hoping soon to come on / about due for / overdue for / not yet in the running for) leave, which is now (on / off).

I am suffering from a (slight / severe) (______ wound / fright / shell shock). [“Or state disease. If the whole of this sentence is struck out, the writer may be presumed to be well or deceased.”]

(_______ / ______’s wife) has just (sent him / presented him with) _________.

What I should really like is ______________.

Many thanks for your (letter / parcel / good intentions).

How are the (poultry (including cows) / potatoes / children) getting on?

I hope you are (well / better / bearing up / not spending too much money / getting on better with mother).

[Insert here protestations of affection — NOT TO EXCEED TEN WORDS:] __________

Ever [state what ever] ______________

XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXX

Thomas Jefferson proposed dividing the American Midwest into 10 states with Greek and Latin names: Sylvania, Michigania, Chersonesus, Assenisipia, Metropotamia, Illinoia, Saratoga, Polypotamia, Pelisipia, and Washington.

“While we may see the reasons for these names, we may be thankful that they did not prevail,” wrote Curtis Manning Geer in The Louisiana Purchase (1904). “Ohio is better than Pelisipia, and Wisconsin to be preferred to Assenisipia.”

John Patterson, who died in 1886 at age 96, performed a sort of geographical hat trick by passing the 19th century in the lower Mississippi Valley. His epitaph reads:

I was born in a kingdom
Reared in an empire
Attained manhood in a territory
Am now a citizen of a state
And have never been 100 miles from where I now live.

The kingdom was Spain, the empire France, the territory Louisiana, and the state Arkansas.

During the Black Hawk War, Abe Lincoln was leading 20 men through a field when he saw they’d need to pass through a narrow gate.

“I could not, for the life of me, remember the proper word of command for getting my company endwise, so that it could pass through the gate,” he later recalled.

“So, as we came near, I shouted, ‘Halt! this company is dismissed for two minutes, when it will fall in again on the other side of the gate.'”

One day the elderly soldier [Arthur Wellesley, first Duke of Wellington] chanced on a small boy weeping bitterly and on asking the cause the child began to explain that he was going away to school next day … not waiting to hear more the Duke read him a severe lecture on his attitude, which was cowardly, unworthy of a gentleman and not at all the way to behave, etc. At last the little boy managed to explain he was not crying because he was going to school, but he was worried about his pet toad, as no one else seemed to care for it and he wouldn’t know how it was. The Duke, a just man, apologized to the child for having wronged him, and being human as well as just, took down the particulars and promised to report himself about this pet. In due course the little boy at school received a letter saying ‘Field-Marshal the Duke of Wellington presents his compliments to Master —– and has the pleasure to inform him that his toad is well.’

— G.W.E. Russell, Collections and Recollections, 1963