No Tips Either Way

Okay, you’re a chef. Which of these trays was requested for a singer’s dressing room, and which is the last meal of a Texas death-row inmate?

A. Neil Diamond (“Love on the Rocks”)
B. Nelly (“Hot in Herre”)
C. Smokey Robinson (“Tears of a Clown”)
D. B.B. King (“The Thrill Is Gone”)
E. Cornelius Goss (beat a Dallas homeowner to death with a board)
F. Gerald Mitchell (shotgunned two customers during a Houston drug deal)
G. James Collier (shot two Wichita Falls residents while stalking his daughter)
H. James Powell (raped and murdered a 10-year-old in Beaumont)
I. Paul Nuncio (strangled a 61-year-old in Plainview)

1. BBQ chicken wings, chips, fruit, ginger ale
2. 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 banana, coconut, peaches
3. One pot of coffee
4. Enchiladas, burritos, chocolate ice cream, cantaloupe (whole, split in half)
5. Chinese takeout, coffee
6. 1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers
7. Baked salmon, french fries, fruit platter, salad, soda
8. Nothing
9. Thirty jumbo shrimp, cocktail sauce, baked potato, French fries, ketchup, butter, one T-bone steak, one chocolate malt, one gallon of vanilla ice cream, and three cans of Big Red

Click for Answer

“The One-Man Vaudeville Show”

“I will now give an imitation of three Hawaiians. This is one (whistles), this is another (plays ukulele), and this is the third (marks time with his foot). I could imitate four Hawaiians just as easily, but I will tell you the reason why I don’t do it. You see, I bought a horse for $50, and it turned out to be a running horse. I was offered $15,000 for him, and I took it. I built a house with the $15,000, and when it was finished a neighbor offered me $100,000 for it. He said my house stood right where he wanted to dig a well. So I took the $100,000 to accommodate him. I invested the $100,000 in peanuts, and that year there was a peanut famine, so I sold the peanuts for $350,000. Now, why should a man with $350,000 bother to imitate four Hawaiians?”

— Joe Cook, vaudeville performer

“Apocalypse Hoboken”

Best entries in The Canonical List of Weird Band Names:

  • Alcoholocaust
  • The Ass Baboons of Venus
  • The Couch Slugs
  • The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
  • Dick Duck and the Dorks
  • Ed’s Redeeming Qualities
  • Ethyl Meatplow
  • Hell Camino
  • Individual Fruit Pie
  • Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers
  • Lawnsmell
  • Mussolini Headkick
  • Rash of Stabbings
  • Stukas Over Bedrock
  • Technosquid Eats Parliament

A few are designed to look good on a marquee, like FREE BEER AND CHICKEN and HORNETS ATTACK VICTOR MATURE.

Ozzy’s Top 10

Ozzy Osbourne’s all-time top 10 favorite rock albums, as told to the British newspaper The Observer in June 2004:

  1. Revolver – The Beatles
  2. Sgt. Pepper’s Lonely Hearts Club Band – The Beatles
  3. Band on the Run – Paul McCartney & Wings
  4. So – Peter Gabriel
  5. Dark Side of the Moon – Pink Floyd
  6. Abbey Road – The Beatles
  7. Imagine – John Lennon
  8. Blizzard of Ozz – Ozzy Osbourne/Randy Rhoads
  9. Led Zeppelin – Led Zeppelin
  10. Machine Head – Deep Purple