“Life … is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” — Douglas Adams
“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” — Groucho Marx
“Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives’ mouths.” — Bertrand Russell
“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.” — Oscar Wilde
“It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” — Arthur C. Clarke
“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Mark Twain
“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway
“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.” — Ken Olsen, president, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977
Frivolous political parties around the world and their campaign promises:
- Denmark’s Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements promised tailwinds on all cycle paths.
- Hungary’s Two-Tailed Dog Party promised eternal life, world peace, one work day per week, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, and low taxes.
- Sweden’s Donald Duck Party promised wider sidewalks and “free alcohol to the people.”
- England’s Death, Dungeons and Taxes Party promised the reintroduction of hanging, the annexation of France, and the reduction of the school leaving age to 9.
- America’s Guns and Dope Party would replace one-third of Congress with ostriches.
And Poland, Russia, Ukraine and Belarus all have Beer Lovers’ Parties.
“Politicians are the same all over,” said Nikita Khrushchev. “They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.”
Uninspired last words:
- “Wait a minute …” — Pope Alexander VI
- “Am I dying, or is this my birthday?” — Nancy, Lady Astor, on seeing her family at her bedside
- “I live!” — Caligula, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers
- “Lady, you shot me!” — Sam Cooke, after being shot in a hotel room
- “That guy’s got to stop. … He’ll see us.” — James Dean, before a car accident
- “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” — Richard Feynman
- “I think I’m going to make it!” — murderer Richard Loeb, after being slashed 90 times with a razor
- “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” — Groucho Marx
- “I’m all right.” — H.G. Wells
On his deathbed Stan Laurel said, “I wish I were skiing.” His nurse said, “Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?” Laurel replied, “No, but I’d rather be skiing than doing what I’m doing.”
“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” — Albert Einstein
“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks
“Don’t just do something, stand there.” — Clint Eastwood’s acting coach
“A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.” — German proverb
“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” — Blaise Pascal
“Actors are crap.” — John Ford
“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.” — Steve Martin
“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” — Alfred Hitchcock
“Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne
“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.” — G.K. Chesterton
“Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited.” — John Cleese
Dr. Cotton Mather, who was a man of uncommon dispatch and activity in the management of his numerous affairs, and improved every minute of his time, that he might not suffer by silly, impertinent, and tedious visiters, wrote over his study-door, in large letters, “Be short.”
Ursinus, a professor in the University of Heidelburgh, and a diligent scholar, to prevent gossips and idlers from interrupting him in his hours of study, wrote over the door of his library the following lines–“Friend, whoever thou art that comest hither, dispatch thy business or begone.”
The learned Scaliger placed the following sentence over the doors of his study–“Tempus meum est ager meus,” “My time is my field or estate.” And it is frequently the only valuable field which the labourer, in body or mind, possesses.
Ever hold time too precious to be spent
“Friends,” says Lord Bacon, “are robbers of our time.”
— The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction, Jan. 15, 1831
“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” — Leonardo da Vinci