Quotations

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“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” — Albert Einstein

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“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks

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“Don’t just do something, stand there.” — Clint Eastwood’s acting coach

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“A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.” — German proverb

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“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” — Blaise Pascal

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“Actors are crap.” — John Ford

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“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.” — Steve Martin

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“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” — Alfred Hitchcock

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“Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne

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“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.” — G.K. Chesterton

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“Comedy always works best when it is mean-spirited.” — John Cleese

“Use of Time”

Dr. Cotton Mather, who was a man of uncommon dispatch and activity in the management of his numerous affairs, and improved every minute of his time, that he might not suffer by silly, impertinent, and tedious visiters, wrote over his study-door, in large letters, “Be short.”

Ursinus, a professor in the University of Heidelburgh, and a diligent scholar, to prevent gossips and idlers from interrupting him in his hours of study, wrote over the door of his library the following lines–“Friend, whoever thou art that comest hither, dispatch thy business or begone.”

The learned Scaliger placed the following sentence over the doors of his study–“Tempus meum est ager meus,” “My time is my field or estate.” And it is frequently the only valuable field which the labourer, in body or mind, possesses.

Ever hold time too precious to be spent
With babblers.–_Shakspeare._

“Friends,” says Lord Bacon, “are robbers of our time.”

The Mirror of Literature, Amusement, and Instruction, Jan. 15, 1831

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“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” — Leonardo da Vinci

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“Computers in the future may weigh no more than 1.5 tons.” — Popular Mechanics, 1949

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“We don’t know a millionth of one percent about anything.” — Thomas Edison

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“The world has arrived at an age of cheap complex devices of great reliability, and something is bound to come of it.” — Engineer Vannevar Bush, 1945

Baser Instincts

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Recruiting poster, 1917.

George Bernard Shaw said, “Patriotism is a pernicious, psychopathic form of idiocy.”

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“Genius is eternal patience.” — Michelangelo Buonarroti

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“No human thing is of serious importance.” — Plato

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“Chess is as elaborate a waste of human intelligence as you can find outside an advertising agency.” — Raymond Chandler

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“There’s just some people you don’t hit with a pie and that’s all there is to it.” — Buster Keaton

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“He has to retreat into his fanciful world in order to survive. Otherwise, he leads kind of a dull, miserable life. I don’t envy dogs the lives they have to live.” — Charles M. Schulz, on Snoopy

“It’s a Great Advantage to Be Able to Hurdle With Both Legs”

Memorable sportscasting quotes:

  • “And here’s Moses Kiptanui, the 19-year-old Kenyan, who turned 20 a few weeks ago.” (David Coleman)
  • “Juantorena opens his legs and shows his class.” (Ron Pickering)
  • “With half of the race gone, there is half of the race still to go.” (Murray Walker)
  • “What I said to them at halftime would be unprintable on the radio.” (Gerry Francis)
  • “I was in Saint-Etienne two years ago. It’s much the same as it is now, although now it’s completely different.” (Kevin Keegan)
  • “I imagine that the conditions in those cars are totally unimaginable.” (Murray Walker)
  • “The Baggio brothers, of course, are not related.” (George Hamilton)
  • “For those of you watching in black and white, Spurs are in the all-yellow strip.” (John Motson)

“Real Madrid are like a rabbit in the glare of the headlights in the face of Manchester United’s attacks,” Hamilton once said. “But this rabbit comes with a suit of armor in the shape of two precious away goals …”

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“The only man, woman or child who wrote a simple declarative sentence with seven grammatical errors is dead.” — e.e. cummings, on the death of Warren G. Harding