Quotations

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“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.” — Henny Youngman

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“We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.” — Wernher von Braun

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“No wise man ever wished to be younger.” — Jonathan Swift

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“Life … is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” — Douglas Adams

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“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” — Groucho Marx

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“Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives’ mouths.” — Bertrand Russell

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“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.” — Oscar Wilde

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“It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” — Arthur C. Clarke

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“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Mark Twain

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“Always do sober what you said you’d do drunk. That will teach you to keep your mouth shut.” — Ernest Hemingway

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“There is no reason for any individual to have a computer in his home.” — Ken Olsen, president, Digital Equipment Corporation, 1977

Take Your Pick

Frivolous political parties around the world and their campaign promises:

  • Denmark’s Union of Conscientiously Work-Shy Elements promised tailwinds on all cycle paths.
  • Hungary’s Two-Tailed Dog Party promised eternal life, world peace, one work day per week, two sunsets a day, smaller gravitation, and low taxes.
  • Sweden’s Donald Duck Party promised wider sidewalks and “free alcohol to the people.”
  • England’s Death, Dungeons and Taxes Party promised the reintroduction of hanging, the annexation of France, and the reduction of the school leaving age to 9.
  • America’s Guns and Dope Party would replace one-third of Congress with ostriches.

And Poland, Russia, Ukraine and Belarus all have Beer Lovers’ Parties.

“Politicians are the same all over,” said Nikita Khrushchev. “They promise to build a bridge even where there is no river.”

“This Is Absurd!”

Uninspired last words:

  • “Wait a minute …” — Pope Alexander VI
  • “Am I dying, or is this my birthday?” — Nancy, Lady Astor, on seeing her family at her bedside
  • “I live!” — Caligula, as he was being murdered by his own soldiers
  • “Lady, you shot me!” — Sam Cooke, after being shot in a hotel room
  • “That guy’s got to stop. … He’ll see us.” — James Dean, before a car accident
  • “I’d hate to die twice. It’s so boring.” — Richard Feynman
  • “I think I’m going to make it!” — murderer Richard Loeb, after being slashed 90 times with a razor
  • “Die, my dear? Why that’s the last thing I’ll do!” — Groucho Marx
  • “I’m all right.” — H.G. Wells

On his deathbed Stan Laurel said, “I wish I were skiing.” His nurse said, “Oh, Mr. Laurel, do you ski?” Laurel replied, “No, but I’d rather be skiing than doing what I’m doing.”

More here.

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“I have never been hurt by anything I didn’t say.” — Calvin Coolidge, known as “Silent Cal”

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“Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former.” — Albert Einstein

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“Tragedy is when I cut my finger. Comedy is when you fall into an open sewer and die.” — Mel Brooks

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“Don’t just do something, stand there.” — Clint Eastwood’s acting coach

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“A country can be judged by the quality of its proverbs.” — German proverb

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“I have discovered that all human evil comes from this, man’s being unable to sit still in a room.” — Blaise Pascal

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“Actors are crap.” — John Ford

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“Writer’s block is a fancy term made up by whiners so they can have an excuse to drink alcohol.” — Steve Martin

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“The length of a film should be directly related to the endurance of the human bladder.” — Alfred Hitchcock

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“Life is tough. It’s even tougher if you’re stupid.” — John Wayne

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“Poets have been mysteriously silent on the subject of cheese.” — G.K. Chesterton