“The difference between a violin and a viola is that a viola burns longer.” — Victor Borge

“I once wanted to become an atheist, but I gave up — they have no holidays.” — Henny Youngman

“We can lick gravity, but sometimes the paperwork is overwhelming.” — Wernher von Braun

“No wise man ever wished to be younger.” — Jonathan Swift

“Life … is like a grapefruit. It’s orange and squishy, and has a few pips in it, and some folks have half a one for breakfast.” — Douglas Adams

“Only one man in a thousand is a leader of men. The other 999 follow women.” — Groucho Marx

“Aristotle maintained that women have fewer teeth than men; although he was twice married, it never occurred to him to verify this statement by examining his wives’ mouths.” — Bertrand Russell

“It is a very sad thing that nowadays there is so little useless information.” — Oscar Wilde

“It has yet to be proven that intelligence has any survival value.” — Arthur C. Clarke

“In the first place, God made idiots. That was for practice. Then he made school boards.” — Mark Twain