There once was a miser named Clarence
Who simonized both of his parents;
“The initial expense,”
He remarked, “is immense,
But it saves on the wearance and tearance.”
— Ogden Nash
Humor
Limerick
A bdellium bdiamond of beauty
Was bdisplayed in a shop in Bdjibouti.
I bought it, then came
A bdelicate bdame
I’m her suitor now, and she my suitee.
— Anonymous
“Georges Le Gloupier”
Victims of Belgian “entarteur” Noël Godin, who flings cream pies at the self-important:
- Microsoft CEO Bill Gates
- French novelist Marguerite Duras
- Choreographer Maurice Bejart
- French anchorman Patrick Poivre d’Arvor
- French politician Nicolas Sarkozy
- Filmmaker Jean-Luc Godard
- Philosopher Bernard-Henri Lévy
Godin told The New York Times he’s trying “to function in the service of the capitalist status quo, without really using his intelligence or his imagination.” Touché.
Rimshot
What’s the difference between a psychologist and a magician?
A psychologist pulls habits out of rats.
Rimshot
A minister, a priest, and a rabbi walk into a bar.
The bartender says, “Is this a joke?”
Limerick
There was a young lady from Bude
Who went for a swim in the lake
A man in a punt
Stuck an oar in her ear
And said, “You can’t swim here, it’s private.”
— Anonymous
Seeing Double
In January 2005, Canadian police officer Chris Legere pulled over an 18-year-old woman for driving 96 mph.
That afternoon he pulled over the same car doing 92 mph in the opposite direction. At first he thought it was driven by the same driver, but he was mistaken.
It was her identical twin sister.
“Leave Me Alone”
The Telluride Nothing Festival has been a cherished Colorado tradition since 1991. Highlights of this year’s gathering:
- Sunrises and sunsets as normal.
- Gravity will continue to be in effect.
- The laws of physics will be on display.
Festival motto: “Thank you for not participating.”
Bad Moon Rising
In 1979, K.T. Smith offered to buy a drink for anyone willing to moon the next train that passed the Mugs Away Saloon in Laguna Niguel, Calif.
Since then, the second Saturday in July has become “Moon Amtrak Day,” when hundreds of drinkers bare their bottoms at the 25 trains that pass through town.
The trains are reportedly booked solid for months in advance.
“David Hulk Banner”
Silliest British name changes of 2005, according to The Sun:
- Tim Mind Your Own Business And Kiss My Arsenal Swain
- Solar Fruitbat Samba
- Nineteen Sixty-Eight
- Rhyme-Master Joey Joe Joe Toasterface
- Jellyfish McSaveloy
- Nigel Bottomface
In 2002, Richard James of St. Albans agreed to change his name to Mr. Yellow-Rat Foxysquirrel Fairydiddle in exchange for a pint of beer. He paid $70 to make the change official, then realized he didn’t have enough money to change it back.