Tommy Lee Jones and Al Gore were roommates at Harvard.
Entertainment
No Tips Either Way
Okay, you’re a chef. Which of these trays was requested for a singer’s dressing room, and which is the last meal of a Texas death-row inmate?
A. Neil Diamond (“Love on the Rocks”)
B. Nelly (“Hot in Herre”)
C. Smokey Robinson (“Tears of a Clown”)
D. B.B. King (“The Thrill Is Gone”)
E. Cornelius Goss (beat a Dallas homeowner to death with a board)
F. Gerald Mitchell (shotgunned two customers during a Houston drug deal)
G. James Collier (shot two Wichita Falls residents while stalking his daughter)
H. James Powell (raped and murdered a 10-year-old in Beaumont)
I. Paul Nuncio (strangled a 61-year-old in Plainview)
1. BBQ chicken wings, chips, fruit, ginger ale
2. 1 apple, 1 orange, 1 banana, coconut, peaches
3. One pot of coffee
4. Enchiladas, burritos, chocolate ice cream, cantaloupe (whole, split in half)
5. Chinese takeout, coffee
6. 1 bag of assorted Jolly Ranchers
7. Baked salmon, french fries, fruit platter, salad, soda
8. Nothing
9. Thirty jumbo shrimp, cocktail sauce, baked potato, French fries, ketchup, butter, one T-bone steak, one chocolate malt, one gallon of vanilla ice cream, and three cans of Big Red
Mount Taranaki
Even mountains can have body doubles. New Zealand’s Mount Taranaki (left) has stood in for Japan’s Mount Fuji in several films … including The Last Samurai.
Early Training
The 1987 film Predator starred Arnold Schwarzenegger and Jesse Ventura.
Both went on to become United States governors.
Straight and Narrow
“The One-Man Vaudeville Show”
“I will now give an imitation of three Hawaiians. This is one (whistles), this is another (plays ukulele), and this is the third (marks time with his foot). I could imitate four Hawaiians just as easily, but I will tell you the reason why I don’t do it. You see, I bought a horse for $50, and it turned out to be a running horse. I was offered $15,000 for him, and I took it. I built a house with the $15,000, and when it was finished a neighbor offered me $100,000 for it. He said my house stood right where he wanted to dig a well. So I took the $100,000 to accommodate him. I invested the $100,000 in peanuts, and that year there was a peanut famine, so I sold the peanuts for $350,000. Now, why should a man with $350,000 bother to imitate four Hawaiians?”
— Joe Cook, vaudeville performer
Okay, the Second-Greatest
A flight attendant once asked Muhammad Ali to fasten his seat belt.
Ali said, “Superman don’t need no seat belt.”
The attendant replied, “Superman don’t need no airplane, either.”
Too True
Secretary: It must be hard to lose your mother-in-law.
W.C. Fields: Yes, it is, very hard. It’s almost impossible.
No Laughing Matter
Peanuts creator Charles M. Schulz served as an infantry squad leader during World War II.
Every year on June 6 he used the comic strip to memorialize his comrades who fell at Normandy.
“Apocalypse Hoboken”
Best entries in The Canonical List of Weird Band Names:
- Alcoholocaust
- The Ass Baboons of Venus
- The Couch Slugs
- The Dancing French Liberals of 1848
- Dick Duck and the Dorks
- Ed’s Redeeming Qualities
- Ethyl Meatplow
- Hell Camino
- Individual Fruit Pie
- Lavay Smith and The Red Hot Skillet Lickers
- Lawnsmell
- Mussolini Headkick
- Rash of Stabbings
- Stukas Over Bedrock
- Technosquid Eats Parliament
A few are designed to look good on a marquee, like FREE BEER AND CHICKEN and HORNETS ATTACK VICTOR MATURE.