Powerless

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God can’t make a genuine $10 bill. Only the U.S. Mint can do that. Presumably God could make an atom-for-atom copy of one, but it wouldn’t be genuine because it wasn’t produced by the mint.

Therefore God is not omnipotent.

Above the Law

For an omnibenevolent being, God has a lot of legal trouble. Nebraska legislator Ernie Chambers sought an injunction against the deity in 2007, asserting that He had caused “widespread death, destruction and terrorization of millions upon millions of the Earth’s inhabitants.” And in 2008 a Romanian prisoner claimed that his baptism had been a contract that God had broken by failing to protect him from evil.

God escaped both suits on technicalities. Chambers’ action was dismissed because God has no address and thus couldn’t be notified, and the Romanian suit was deemed to be beyond the court’s jurisdiction because God is not an individual or a company. So that settles that.

Low Profile

Apparitions of the Virgin Mary, 2003-2007:

  • Tree stump, Passaic, N.J., 2003
  • Grilled cheese sandwich, Hollywood, Fla., 2004
  • Expressway underpass, Chicago, 2005
  • Pretzel, Nebraska, 2005
  • Firewood, Janesville, Wis., 2006
  • Chocolate drippings, Fountain Valley, Calif., 2006
  • Souplantation restaurant, Grantville, Calif., 2006
  • Pizza pan, Houston, 2007
  • Watermelon, Arizona, 2007

“Old Joke Versified”

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Says Tom to Bill, pray tell me, sir,
Why is it that the devil,
In spite of all his naughty ways,
Can never be uncivil?

Says Bill to Tom, the answer’s plain
To any mind that’s bright:
Because the imp of darkness, sir,
Can ne’er be imp o’ light.

— Charles Carroll Bombaugh, Gleanings for the Curious From the Harvest-Fields of Literature, 1890