Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over for speeding.
The cop says, “Do you know how fast you were going?”
Heisenberg says, “No, but I know where I am.”
Uffia
When sporgles spanned the floreate mead
And cogwogs gleet upon the lea,
Uffia gopped to meet her love
Who smeeged upon the equat sea.
Dately she walked aglost the sand;
The boreal wind seet in her face;
The moggling waves yalped at her feet;
Pangwangling was her pace.
— Harriet R. White
In a Word
jussulent
full of broth or soup
Woof
Dog barks around the world:
- English: woof, woof
- Albanian: ham, ham
- Arabic: haw, haw
- Bulgarian: bau, bau
- Danish: vov, vov
- Estonian: auh, auh
- Farsi: vogh, vogh
- Finnish: hau, hau
- French: ouaf, ouaf
- German: wau, wau
- Greek: gav, gav
- Hindi: bho, bho
- Icelandic: voff, voff
- Italian: bau, bau
- Japanese: wan, wan
- Korean: mung, mung
- Latvian: vau, vau
- Mandarin Chinese: wang, wang
- Norwegian: voff, voff
- Polish: hau, hau
- Romanian: ham, ham
- Russian: gav, gav
- Spanish: guau, guau
- Swedish: voff, voff
- Thai: hoang, hoang
Robert Benchley wrote, “A boy can learn a lot from a dog: obedience, loyalty, and the importance of turning around three times before lying down.”
Unquote
“There are four kinds of homicide: felonious, excusable, justifiable, and praiseworthy.” — Ambrose Bierce
Proof That 2 Equals 1
a = b
a2 = ab
a2 – b2 = ab – b2
(a – b)(a + b) = b(a – b)
a + b = b
b + b = b
2b = b
2 = 1
Busy Airports
World’s busiest airports:
- Atlanta
- Chicago
- London
- Tokyo
- Los Angeles
- Dallas
- Frankfurt
- Paris
- Amsterdam
- Denver
Actually, it depends on how you measure busyness. Atlanta serves the most passengers each year, but Chicago has the most arrivals and departures. Frankfurt serves the most international destinations, but Heathrow handles the most international passengers. And Memphis, home of FedEx, handles the most cargo traffic.
They fight over this, but I don’t see why. Who would prefer a busy airport?
How Fat Is She?
Your momma is so fat …
- her ass has its own congressman.
- when she dances she makes the band skip.
- her belt size is “equator.”
- she was baptized in tartar sauce.
- her cereal bowl came with a lifeguard.
- it took five UFOs to abduct her.
- she puts mayonnaise on aspirin.
- when she steps on the scales it says NEXT AXLE.
- she eats Wheat Thicks.
- her blood type is Ragu.
- she whistles bass.
Earnings
Occupations with highest median earnings:
- Physicians and surgeons
- Dentists
- Chief executives
- Podiatrists
- Lawyers
- Engineering managers
- Optometrists
- Petroleum engineers
- Natural sciences managers
- Actuaries
Lowest median earnings:
- Dishwashers
- Counter attendants, food concession
- Child-care workers
- Maids and housekeeping cleaners
- Dining room, cafeteria attendants, bartender helpers
- Food preparation workers
- Teacher assistants
- Restaurant hosts, hostesses
- Food prep and serving workers
- Waiters and waitresses
“Dedicated to the Art of Mocking Public Works”
What does this mean? Who knows? Here are some guesses, from the readers at Swanksigns:
- The happy, smiling sun will kill your puppy.
- Don’t let your puppy drive in the sunshine.
- This combo may turn dog into looming castle.
- Do not let your dog drive into the sun, or they will be killed with green fire.
- Attention! Dogs will drive to the beach on sunny days.
- Car-driving dogs make the sun happy and then they die.
- Warning: Car-driving dogs in sunlight may cause harmful power plant exposure.