Don’t Even Try

http://books.google.com/books?id=5m4ZAAAAYAAJ&printsec=titlepage&rview=1#PPA103,M1

White or Black to play and mate or self-mate in one move. That is, you must find a total of four moves from this position: a White move that mates Black instantly, a White move that forces Black to mate White instantly, and equivalent moves for Black.

“Memo: The above puzzle depends on a literal interpretation of the rule which provides that a Pawn on reaching the eighth square may become any piece irrespective of colour.”

WARNING: “This monstrosity is the production of an erratic solver who has been sorely tried, puzzled and perplexed all the year round by the many posers and problems which have appeared from time to time in the numerous Chess columns. His aesthetic patience, resignation, fortitude, culture and hope all at once breaking down, he set to work and with wrathful spirit, regardless of all problem construction, devised it more for the sake of retaliation and revenge than to give pleasure. To prove his spiteful character; when composing it, he was overheard repeating, ‘Since I cannot prove a lover to entertain these fair spoken days, I am determined to prove a villain.’ Consequently, gentle reader, we warn you not to attempt it, except indeed that you are the happy possessor of that knowledge wherein you are able to puzzle others. It may look beastly simple, but to any young solver who may be foolhardy enough to venture it we offer a few words of advice–carefully study the above memo and note that–but ‘hold enough,’ no more can we divulge, fearful of bringing the fiery wrath of the exasperated composer upon our devoted heads.”

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