Futility Closet

dodrantal
adj., of nine inches in length

Say what you will about the French, they know how to build an elephant:

This one, proposed for the Champs-Élysées in 1758, had air conditioning, a spiral staircase, and a drainage system in the trunk.

The French government said no. There's no accounting for taste.

Music stars and their un-sexy real names:

• David Bowie - David Robert Hayward Stenton Jones
• Eric Clapton - Eric Patrick Clapp
• Alice Cooper - Vincent Damon Furnier
• Dido - Florian Cloud de Bounevialle Armstrong
• Bob Dylan - Robert Alan Zimmerman
• Jewel - Jewel Kilcher
• Mama Cass - Ellen Naomi Cohen
• Marilyn Manson - Brian Warner
• Meat Loaf - Marvin Lee Aday
• George Michael - Yorgos Panayiotou
• Nelly - Carnell Haynes, Jr.
• Lou Reed - Louis Firbank
• Busta Rhymes - Trevor Tahiem Smith
• Cliff Richard - Harry Webb
• Sade - Helen Folasade Adu
• Seal - Henry Olusegun Olumide Samuel
• Gene Simmons - Chaim Witz
• Cat Stevens - Steve Georgiou
• Sly Stone - Sylvester Stewart
• Ice T - Tracy Marrow
• Randy Travis - Randy Bruce Traywick
• Shania Twain - Eileen Regina Edwards
• Frankie Valli - Frank Castelluccio
• Eddie Vedder - Edward Louis Severson

Paul Revere's real name was Paul Revere.

"It's not the most intellectual job in the world, but I do have to know the letters." — Vanna White

In the drinking-well
(Which the plumber built her)
Aunt Eliza fell –
We must buy a filter.

– Col. D. Streamer

Personality traits associated with various blood types, according to Japanese superstition:

Type A:

• Best traits: Conservative, reserved, patient, punctual, perfectionist, and good with plants.
• Worst traits: Introverted, obsessive, stubborn, and self-conscious. Anal retentive.
• Famous examples: George H.W. Bush, O.J. Simpson, Britney Spears

Type B:

• Best traits: Creative and passionate. Animal-loving. Optimistic and flexible.
• Worst traits: Forgetful, irresponsible, individualistic.
• Famous examples: Akira Kurosawa, Jack Nicholson, Luciano Pavarotti

Type AB:

• Best traits: Cool, controlled, rational. Sociable and popular. Empathic.
• Worst traits: Aloof, critical, indecisive, and unforgiving.
• Famous examples: John F. Kennedy, Marilyn Monroe, Mick Jagger

Type O:

• Best traits: Ambitious, athletic, robust, and self-confident. Natural leaders.
• Worst traits: Arrogant, vain, and insensitive. Ruthless.
• Famous examples: Ronald Reagan, Queen Elizabeth, John Lennon

Interestingly, Type A blood is the most common in Japan, while Type O is most common in the United States — and among Japanese prime ministers.

In 2002, charity fundraiser Lloyd Scott ran the London Marathon wearing a 120-pound deep-sea diving suit.

He finished the 26.2-mile course in five days, eight and a half hours — a record high.

You can stop worrying about backward messages hidden in popular songs — they're totally passe now. Examples:

• "Congratulations. You've just discovered the secret message. Please send your answer to Old Pink, care of the funny farm, Chalfont." (Pink Floyd, "Empty Spaces")
• "Anyone who is stupid enough to play this record backwards deserves what he is about to hear." (Bloodrock, "Gotta Find a Way")
• "Obey your parents. Do your homework. Winners don't do drugs." (Information Society, "Are Friends Electric?")
• "Time is important. You are wasting it by backmasking this song. You want me to say something about the devil or something? Okay — lalalalalalalala Satan." (K&H, "Dusty Road")
• "Wow, you must have an awful lot of free time on your hands." ("Weird Al" Yankovic, "I Remember Larry")
• "Devil shall wake up and eat Chef Boyardee Beefaroni." (The Bloodhound Gang, "Lift Your Head Up High")
• "I buried my parakeet in the backyard. Oh no, you're playing the record backwards. Watch out, you might ruin your needle." (The B-52s, "Detour Through Your Mind")

Maybe that's for the best; those congressional witch hunts were getting kind of scary. Saint Teresa of Avila said, "I do not fear Satan half so much as I fear those who fear him."

Controversial remarks attributed to Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh:

• "If it has four legs and is not a chair, has wings and is not an aeroplane, or swims and is not a submarine, the Cantonese will eat it."
• When visiting China in 1986, he told a group of British students, "If you stay here much longer, you'll all be slitty-eyed."
• To a British student in Papua New Guinea: "You managed not to get eaten then?"
• To a Scottish driving instructor: "How do you keep the natives off the booze long enough for them to pass the driving test?"
• On a visit to the new Welsh Assembly in Cardiff, he told a group of deaf children standing next to a Jamaican steel drum band, "Deaf? No wonder you are deaf, standing so close to that racket."
• To an Australian aborigine: "Still throwing spears?"
• To the president of Nigeria, who was dressed in traditional Muslim robes: "You look like you're ready for bed."
• Seeing a poorly installed fusebox in an Edinburgh factory, Philip said it looked "like it was put in by an Indian."
• When a 12-year-old boy told the prince that he aspired to be an astronaut, he replied, "You're too fat."

Overheard during an extended tour of the HMS Boxer: "Not another fucking chamber."

The youngest confirmed mother in medical history is Lina Medina of Paurange, Peru, who gave birth to a 5.9-pound boy at age 5. The delivery was done through caesarian section; it's not known how she conceived the child. Her son, Gerardo, was raised believing that Lina was his sister.